ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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