Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
