I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
