Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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