If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I cut my penus on the lid.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
