Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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