I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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