I need to stop coming to work sober
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
We're too hungover to prance.
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