Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
not ubering you a puppy
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
