the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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