I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
