can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
