angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I am one with the molecules
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
