this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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