u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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