My liver just broke up with me...
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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