last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
