I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
