she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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