So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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