So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.