i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
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I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
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Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid