My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
sex in a hospital.. check
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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