You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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