im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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