she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
