Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
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