I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
A bitchslap is in order.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
