What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
