4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
