im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
