When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
