you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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