Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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