I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
