When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
