Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
