maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
