This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
