There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
