dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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