Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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