first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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