Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
