If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
