onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We talked him into tasing himself.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
