thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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