my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
