So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
