k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
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At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
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My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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