I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
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a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
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We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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