im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
