I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
