What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize