I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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