My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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