just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
