So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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