I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
