I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Come on in and take your pants off
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