God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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