I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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