I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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