how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
